We start from the premise that the experience of sexuality in women is highly susceptible to falling, considering Heideggerian principles of Dasein’s authentic and inauthentic, proper and improper existence. “Falling Being-in-the-world is not only tempting and tranquillizing” (Heidegger, 1927/2012, p. 499). The world offers many devices of engagement with sexuality, including prescriptions and recipes for well-being, i.e., tools for how to live a pleasurable sexual relationship, which are always present in Dasein’s openness.

To better understand these assertions, the concept of technique will be employed (Borges-Duarte, 2020; Heidegger, 2007). Technique refers to the instrumental nature of things, serving as a means to an end. However, it is also expressed as Ge-stell or enframing (Borges-Duarte, 2020). Relations mediated by technique seek to facilitate the handling of things and seek the establishment of the habitual and the generalization of uses. Thus, in the realm of sexuality, there is a wide range of knowledge about sex: the phases of the act, prescriptions on how to engage, how to experience pleasure, how to achieve orgasm, and how to relate to the other in ways that avoid greater suffering. There are also various technological resources such as “toys”, apps, and other devices designed solely for the purpose of achieving full satisfaction, with orgasm as the ultimate goal. In terms of relationships, there are numerous therapists and coaches providing guidance on the best ways to experience pleasure, how to develop appropriate behaviors, and how to attract the man or woman of one’s dreams. A simple search on any social network will reveal countless publications (some from renowned professionals) offering all of these tips, advice, suggestions, and techniques related to affectivity, love, and sexuality.

As Mattar (2016, p. 55) states,

On the one hand, this reflects a greater openness to discussing a subject that, until recently, was taboo, such as sexuality. On the other hand, it perhaps indicates just how lost we seem to be when it comes to experiencing intimacy, love, and sexuality, since we require prescriptions and suggestions for conduct and behavior.

There is no natural determination of how sexuality or any other human experience should be exercised (Casanova, 2021b). Therefore, it seems that all these prescriptions veil or obscure a more authentic understanding of the experience of sexuality. When discussing a more authentic experience of sexuality, it is not implied that there is only one possibility, but it is believed that many women are unable to experience it more fully precisely because they cannot identify what these forms would be or how they could experience them.

If there is no determination of how it should be, then there is no correct or true form. However, as has already been noted, women absorb that which is passed to them through everydayness, such as sex tied solely to marriage, sex specifically for reproduction, the emphasis on purity and virginity, and the limited space for expressing their desire, among other things. A major question is how women can exercise their possibilities of being a desired-desiring woman if the factual world appears much more rectified for them.

In commenting that Socrates made others reflect upon themselves and that Kierkegaard also proposed this introspective view, Mattar (2016, p. 152) concludes: “these techniques of the self lost part of their importance and autonomy when they were integrated into pastoral power and into educational, medical, and psychological practices”. The educational, medical, and psychological practices mentioned here are precisely the countless prescriptions present in daily life regarding what to do, how to do it, and why to do it. There are many examples: “how to improve your ability to orgasm”, “what are the best positions for pleasure”, “do this or that”, etc. The care of oneself and others is essential; however, it is necessary to examine how this care is being carried out. Is it truly opening space for reflection on existence, or is it merely following the idealized prescriptions of these disciplines?

In this regard, the world of technique permeates existential experiences, and as a result, these experiences may lose sight of the ontological specificities that open up to Dasein. In the case of sexual experiences, the prescriptions of the world of technique may become sources of concealment of more authentic possibilities, as Dasein absorbs what it is supposed to be, rather than what it can be, specifically for itself. For women, these prescriptions and norms also encompass beauty and youth standards, as well as the assumption of a certain stance within partnerships. Such aspects always position them in a place of giving pleasure, but not of receiving it.

We concur with Rodrigues (2020), who asserts that technique should not be denied; rather, it is necessary to meditate, think, and reflect beyond it. That is to say, the tips and suggestions on how to better experience sexuality and how to obtain pleasure that are present in the world do not need to be dismissed; however, each woman could reflect on the meaning of these prescriptions and assess whether they are truly relevant to her. Nevertheless, the challenge is that Dasein seems to always need parameters to assess whether it can or cannot, whether this or that experience is normal or not. We live in a dualistic world that constantly frames human experiences in these polarities of right and wrong, as though there were no nuances, gradations, or particularities.

In considering how to address this issue of reflections on the topic of sexuality, the idea is to engage this discussion with the concept of care (Sorge). It is assumed that women learn, through everydayness, to be concerned with things (especially domestic tasks) and to care for others (children, husbands, older parents, etc.) as part of a secular model in a patriarchal and phallocentric society. Could there also be more solicitude (Fürs orge) toward oneself?

In paragraph 41 of Being and Time (Heidegger, 1927/2012), there is a reflection on the concept of Sorge as both concern and care. Dasein is always in play because it is openness. Its choices, decisions, and actions in everyday life are forms of care, through its concern (Besorgen) with things and daily routines, and solicitude (Fürsorge) toward oneself and others, which is expressed through being moved or affected by the situation of oneself or the other (Borges-Duarte, 2021).

Care can be authentic or inauthentic, proper or improper. When one is able to reflect on the possibilities that present themselves and choose the one that makes the most sense, there may be a more authentic care, a more proper care. However, being absorbed in everydayness and the rectifications of the world, these choices are not always so clear or truly mindful of Dasein. Borges-Duarte (2013, p. 184) asserts:

In this case, care may be improper since Dasein occupies itself without deeper critical reflection on its own future. Often, past experiences bring fear or anxiety, concealing its most authentic potentiality-for-Being. Dasein engages in casual, ephemeral situations, for example, without truly attending to itself or to others. At this point, it is believed that the practice of sexuality may become a meaningless form of occupation, a way of offering comfort, especially when a woman merely follows what is expected of her in her everydayness, without critically reflecting on herself or when she engages in or remains in careless relationships (which may ontically manifest in different ways: maintaining a socially and culturally accepted status quo, fearing being alone, staying in situations of abuse and violence, among others).

Dasein is openness, it both affects and is affected, cares and neglects. In relation to women, the ontical experience of sexuality tends toward neglect, particularly in a patriarchal society that places great value on male pleasure while considering female pleasure suspicious (Crema & Tilio, 2021; Franco et al., 2021; Sousa & Sirelli, 2018). From this perspective, the question arises: in what space does a woman care for herself in relation to sexuality? In response, concurring with Borges-Duarte (2021, p. 34), it is believed that “Care is the projection of fears and desires and the painful suffering of what has been lived and what is yet to be lived, but it is also the listening to the intimate call of consciousness and acceptance of oneself in the decision of authenticity”.

It is possible to listen more closely to one’s own ways of being and to experience something in one’s openness that is more authentic and personal. However, this requires a more refined self-reflection, paying attention to the affections that arise in this openness and taking action: “Self-care refers to practical actions through which we assume, modify, purify, transform, and transfigure ourselves” (Mattar, 2016, p. 134).

If there is no space for these practical actions of self-care, given that women are always overburdened and in debt (with dominant discourses constantly affirming an eternal guilt), how can an ontological experience of sexuality be conceived? Is it possible to have a more authentic experience, beyond that which is prescribed? Could it be possible to conceive of an experience of sexuality and affectivity that is more authentic, i.e., one that makes sense and contributes to moments of serenity? Based on these questions, the concept of an ontological experience of sexuality has been developed.

The premise is that sexuality can be considered an experience of relationship between Daseins, of Being-in-the-world-with-others. Heidegger (1927/2012) points out that Being-in-the-world-with-others is always being in relationship with oneself, with others, and with the world. Others affect us, they lead us to understand something, and, through language, we converse, understand, feel, give meaning to the world around us, and develop various modes of care.

In the case of the experience of sexuality, we may have a relationship between Daseins that affect one another in a singular way, encompassing affectivity, care, decline, or even serenity. Affectivity is the first to emerge in the openness of Dasein (Borges-Duarte, 2012, 2021; Pasqualin, 2017), and only afterwards does understanding occur. This does not happen without a moment of reflection, a recognition of that which is most personal to it.

Along this path, Daseins affect and are affected by one another, understand what is happening, and establish a loving relationship that may or may not include the experience of sexuality. In the same way, the relationship between Daseins may be based solely on the experience of sexuality, as in casual sex, for instance. The various possibilities of experiencing sexuality can be accessed depending on the interpretation Daseins make of the world, traditions, prior knowledge, and the choices they make.

However, as previously discussed, women’s experiences of sexuality tend to be more rectified, even oppressed, restricted in their possibilities within everydayness. This seems to bring a certain degree of suffering and frustration to some women who may not always recognize what is in their openness, with many possibilities concealed due to traditions and customs absorbed as natural, without deeper reflection and critique.

Henriques (2016) also demonstrates how much the exercise of philosophizing in women is thoroughly permeated by the masculine. This presents an additional obstacle to the unveiling of possibilities for a woman. Her sexuality is generally imposed according to a masculinizing tradition, in which she serves the man’s pleasure, not her own. Women still do not seem to have a project for themselves, as their alterity remains excluded from the human model (Henriques, 2008, 2016). In this regard, Borges-Duarte (2006) points to the full exercise of thinking as a way out of exile, brought about by boredom or anxiety, towards the construction of a dwelling, even if finite and transitory.

In this sense, the following is asked: how can the proposal of a concept offer room for reflection on the experience of sexuality, a project of alterity, a dwelling, especially for women so deeply undermined in their sexual and emotional experiences?

We would like to propose a concept that seeks to include the experience of affectivity and sexuality from a Heideggerian phenomenological perspective, as many ontic experiences of sexuality have been pointed out by various authors, but ontological readings of this experience are yet to be found. Considering Dasein as Being-in-the-world, always in a relationship with itself, others, and things, a concept that includes Dasein in an affective relationship is proposed, allowing it to experience sexuality more aligned with its potentiality-for-Being.

The idea is that discussing this concept may foster reflections on the topic, although there is the risk that it may become just another goal to be achieved in a therapeutic process or absorbed by the world of technique. That is one possibility. But there is also the possibility that it may resonate with someone and contribute to reflective moments, creating a clearing in Dasein’s openness and bringing anticipatory care for oneself and others. A solicitude (Fürsorge) in the form of a solicitous, responsible, and free attending (Borges-Duarte, 2021).

Considering this line of thought, the concept we propose is Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity. Amorosidade (Amorosity) is a common word in Portuguese, meaning the quality or characteristic of being amorous (Houaiss & Villar, 2009). It has been used in various contexts, such as in primary healthcare, to describe a relationship of affection, empathy, and care between healthcare professionals and patients (Cruz et al., 2018). It is a term that encompasses affectivity, care, attention, and relationship. Therefore, it is not a new concept in the language.

For this reflection, combining the term “amorosity” with Being-with-the-other, thus forming Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity, may contribute to understanding an experience of affectivity that includes a potentially more authentic and genuine sexual experience. While this may not always be possible, it broadens the openness to a disposition, an understanding, and a discourse on the phenomenon of sexuality.

This idea of Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity suggests a more fluid and dynamic idea, which includes the affectation of one by another, the intimacy that can be established between Daseins, and the exercise of sexuality freely, within what has been talked about, discussed and reflected on by the Daseins involved. Thus, Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity would be this shared experience of being affected by one another and of having an intimate, loving, and sexual involvement with the other. The concept aims to counter some of the normalized and prescriptive discourses about how to relate affectively and sexually with someone. It seeks to make this experience singular, a constant reflective and meditative exercise. It is about freeing oneself, even if only temporarily, from prescriptions and opening space for meditation on one’s own affectivity, both towards oneself and towards the other.

Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity would thus be the set that includes both affectivity and movement toward understanding. This could offer Dasein a more authentic experience, more typical of a loving and sexual relationship. Falling in love would be one mode of affectivity, an experience of allowing oneself to be affected.

“Also in human love, letting the beloved be is allowing eros to serve as a guide and open the way to care, in its fullest and most personal sense – it is letting the most authentic being come forth” (Borges-Duarte, 2013, p. 46). In line with Borges-Duarte’s thought, care is the mode of being of Dasein that is cared for (Borges-Duarte, 2021). We are in the world, concerned with and caring for things, for ourselves, and for others (Heidegger, 1927/2012). Thus, Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity includes care, but not merely substitutive care, nor just concern for. It is an anticipatory concern for oneself and for the other that opens space for existential freedom, for potentiality-for-Being.

We speak of love and sexuality as experiences that go hand in hand in care and affectivity. Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity is this involvement that traverses intimacy, friendship, and corporality between two Daseins, with their histories and other affectations. Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity also involves risk and the willingness to accept risk as a possibility, for the only certainty we have is that every loving relationship involves uncertainties, given that we are ontologically indeterminate.

The concept of Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity also includes an intimacy, regarded as “the awakening of this mode which attunes us to the truth of being” (Machado, 2021, p. 63). From this perspective, Daseins open themselves to one another in a movement seeking the truth of each one’s being, in an exercise of freedom and “respectful openness to their essence” (Machado, 2021, p. 64). Machado (2021) deepens the notion of intimacy, particularly in relation to the Heideggerian-based psychotherapeutic process. In the present work, this concept can be borrowed in relation to romantic and sexual involvement. This means that Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity can also be an exercise in shepherding being, in the sense of serving the truth of being. That is, Daseins who, in their affectations, open up to mutual understanding and knowledge, respecting their histories, most intimate desires, and daily rectifications, while refraining from making senseless demands or being entirely absorbed by the world of technique.

As Heidegger (1975, cited in Borges-Duarte, 2021, p. 200) states:

In Borges-Duarte ‘s (2021) writings on care and affectivity, it becomes evident that the Heideggerian perspective offers a view of freedom and authenticity in the experience of love and romantic relationships.

We can consider this perspective on the experience of sexuality, in the sense that it can also be care and dwelling. This view is justified by how often it is observed that some women find themselves in situations they cannot/should not inhabit, yet remain in due to the veiling and concealment of the everyday world. Even in experiences of sexuality that do not involve love, there is still the possibility of care that can provide a sense of ownership and freedom. For this, it seems necessary to focus on observing what affects them, understanding these affectations, and analyzing their hermeneutic situation. The proposal of a concept serves merely to draw attention to this experience of care, of unveiling one’s potentiality-for-Being, and of discerning what makes sense in one’s sexuality. It is not only about adhering to prescriptions that dictate what should be done to experience pleasure, for example, but about critically analyzing what truly brings pleasure and how.

Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity can also be an exercise in awakening to serenity. Rebouças and Dutra (2018), drawing on Heideggerian thought, point out that serenity “concerns a listening, a solicitous attention to what is closest, and an openness to mystery, to the unknown” (Rebouças & Dutra, 2018, p. 207). In other words, Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity can be this experience of openness and care towards oneself and the other that values the unknown, remaining open to what emerges in the experience, without conforming to what is deemed right in the factual world concerning sex and sexuality.

In this excerpt from Rodrigues (2020), we can consider a woman’s experience with her sexuality as being open to whatever may come, but only after engaging in a meditative exercise regarding the possible paths that present themselves in this openness. Open to what makes sense to her, to what she understands as a possibility for satisfaction and well-being, minimally exercising lucidity about the traps of the prescriptions from the technical world, and being able to choose Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity.

In this work, we aim to elucidate some issues related to women’s experiences of sexuality from a Heideggerian phenomenological perspective. We believe that many women’s experiences regarding their sexuality tend to be normalized and naturalized in the sense of always being cast in a secondary role, having to follow certain prescriptions to conform to expected and imposed performances by the factual world, as well as finding themselves restricted in their potentiality-for-Being freedom in relation to their own pleasure and involvement with another person.

We rely on important concepts from Heideggerian phenomenology, such as the question of technique, which manifests as numerous prescriptions about how to engage in healthy sexuality, and we also follow Heidegger’s reasoning regarding care. In other words, we consider that experiencing sexuality can and should be a mode of care for oneself and for the other involved in the relationship. To emphasize the importance of women’s sexual experience, we propose a concept inspired by Heideggerian readings on care and affectivity. This concept, Being-with-the-other-in-amorosity, encompasses solicitude, freedom, reflection on what emerges in the openness, responsibility in contemplating the possibilities, and potentiality-for-Being. We also relate the proposed concept to serenity in the sense of meditation and openness regarding the uncertainties of an amorous relationship, without losing sight of what makes sense.

We consider how such reflections can contribute to psychology by strengthening a more reflective stance towards existence, delving into anxiety and suffering, so that Dasein does not get lost in easy promises of happiness. What we aim to do is propose a concept that opens room for reflection on sexual experience within the fields of philosophy and psychology. The idea is that instead of resorting to countless recipes on how to achieve orgasm or win over that special someone in your life, and thus becoming preoccupied with techniques that often hold no meaning for a given Dasein, we can confront the anxiety to observe, reflect, and meditate on what presents itself to us and how we will engage with it for a more authentic and proper experience.